For the sake of amusement
by Kalio Halos
Summary: Egytian Rat Screw... The best card game of all time... So what happens when Nabiki decides to teach this game to the two most competative people in Nerima? Chaos, that's what. No waffy romantic crap in this fic! Just plain fun!


For the sake of amusement 

By Kalio 

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma Nibunnoichi, nor do I own the card game detailed in here. 

A/n: Heh, I know I should be working on my multiple projects, but I can't help it, I gotta write something funny! Or at least funny to me, that is. Anyway, I am working on lots o' things, but here's what I got for now, so try not to hurt me and just have some fun! 

It was quiet... too quiet.... For anything below 6 decibels at the Tendo house in the morning was considered dangerously unusual. Indeed, this morning was to be feared by many generations to come. It was the day Nabiki decided to play E.R.S. in the Tendo home... insert dun dun DUNs! Here 

On this very promising morning, the Tendos and Saotomes all sat the table as per normal for normal families, i.e. no bickering, yelling, etc., etc., etc... Which was unusual enough in itself, God forbid anything else happen out of the ordinary. But, it did, and we can't change that, we might as well laugh at the dire consequences. 

Now, Nabiki, knowing Ranma's track record with card games, but also his speed capabilities, thought it might be fun to teach him a game of luck, but mostly skill. And never one to miss an opportunity for family feuding, thought, 'Why not invite Akane to learn too, for the hell of it?' So, she got them together to learn the most fun card game ever (subject to opinion, but since it's my fic, you can all just shove it if you don't like this game- j/k) Egyptian Rat Screw! 

Now, not knowing the origins, or the reason for the name, just knowing it would be a hell-of-a- lot of fun to see these two try and beat each other at the game, Nabiki explained the rules to them as simply as she could muster. 

'Ok guys, this is how it works. We all get the same- or as close as possible- number of cards. The object of the game is to get all of the cards. Here's how it works. One person starts by putting their top card down-' Ranma interrupted. 

'Do we get to look at our cards?' 

'NO! You have them face down in a pile like so, in your hands.' She showed him, then continued. 'And the pile is started. We take turns going in a circle-' Ranma interrupted again. 

'Clockwise? Or counterclockwise?' Nabiki frowned. 

'Whichever way, it doesn't matter. Let's go counter for today. Okay, so we take turns going around the circle putting down one card at a time. When we get to a royalty-' Ranma interrupted a third time. 

'Are aces royalty in this game?' Nabiki seethed. 

'I was about to say royalty or an ace... now if you cut me off again, you'll wish you never met me, ok?' 

Ranma gulped and nodded. 

'Okay, so when we get to an ace or a royalty, the next person has x number of chances to produce another royalty, otherwise, the person who puts down the royalty gets to keep the whole pile and start a new one. Whoever picks up, puts the first one down on the next go. Okay, so here's the x number of chances. With a jack, its one chance; with queen, two; king, three; and ace, four. So it goes like this. I put down a queen. Ranma goes next so he puts down a card. It is not a royalty or an ace. That's one try. He tries again and doesn't produce. Therefore I get to keep the whole pile, got it?' 

There were two nervous nods. 

'Okay, so if he did get a royalty or an ace, then its Akane's turn to try and produce royalty. And it keeps going like that until someone doesn't produce royalty. That's the easy part. Now here are the standard rules for the slapping part. Here's where skill comes in. And Ranma, I wouldn't smirk like that, just because your hands are fast, doesn't mean your mind is...' Ranma pouted. 'Ok, here are the standard rules: Doubles, Sandwiches, Triple Suit, Double Sandwiches, and Marriages.' At the last word two fiancees gulped. 'Oh, knock it off, I don't even play those, anyway.' 

'Alright. Doubles. That means that there are two cards in a row that are of the same value, like two sixes. You slap them, and whoever slaps first gets the pile and starts a new one. Sandwiches are basically doubles with a card in between them, ya know, like a sandwich. An example would be six, four, six. Now, triple suit seem to give beginners the most trouble. They are three cards in a row that are of the same suit. Like 3 clubs in a row, or three diamonds. It isn't three black in a row, but three of the same suit in a row. K? Alright, last but not least, double sandwiches are like sandwiches only with two cards in between, right? So it would be six, four, ten, six. Confused, yet?' 

Simultaneous nods. 

'Not nearly confused enough...' she muttered. 'Okay, basic other rules, when you flip cards out, flip them away from you, so you don't have an unfair advantage over you. Also, when you flip out (pun not intended-found this while editing...) if there's a slap, you gotta move you whole hand off of the pile. Granted, it doesn't have to be far, but just enough so that it is off the pile. Next, if you have royalties in play, the slap takes precedence over the royalties. In other words, if I should have otherwise had the pile because of royalties, but there was a slapping play, the cards go to the person who won the slap. You can burn (which means that if you slap something wrong, you have to put a card underneath the pile from your pile) but I don't suggest it until you know how to play. Also, I suggest taking off all your rings or watches, this game gets violent.' 

'So, we clear as to how to play?' 

Ranma gave her a blank stare, so she proceeded to explain the game to him again. 

'Alright, I'm not going to explain marriages, mostly because not a lot of people play it, and those who do can never agree on just what marriages they want to play. Okay, so let's see how fast you two learn this!' Akane cocked her head. 

'Wait, you mean to tell me that you're not playing?' 

'Heck no! I'm not stupid enough to play this game with the two of you!' 

And with that ominous beginning, they started playing. 

*** 

As it turned out, Akane was really good at it. She picked up on the patterns real quickly and just to make it harder for herself, when she picked up doubles and sandwiches, she would separate them just so that all the new ones wouldn't be expected. Ranma was fast, but after he started slapping everything out of desperation, Akane invoked burning. 

Then, when Ranma started watching for her to slap instead of watching the cards, Akane would fake slapping and get him every time. Ranma lost his whole stack from burning and Akane picking up the real cards. As you can imagine, Akane and Nabiki were laughing hysterically and Ranma was glowering.. 

By the time they quit for the day Ranma had already sworn he would never speak to either of them ever again, which, let's face it, wasn't being very realistic of him, but the sisters laughed and said 'sure, sure!' 

As the days went by, Ranma also made the promise that he would beat Akane at this game, so he started practicing with everyone he could get to play with him. Unfortunately, most people quit agreeing to play with him after he nearly broke someone's finger in a slap. On the upside, by this time, he learned to get the hang of the game to the point where his speed was valuable. 

Nabiki was amused even further at the games that were actually almost even, as Ranma and Akane shouted at each other. It really got ugly at times. 

'You didn't pick your hand up!' 

or: 

'That's mine! My hand is under yours! 

then: 

'No, dammit! They're intertwined! JUDGE!' 

or: 

'You saw that one, dummy!' 

then: 

'Did not, I was just as surprised as you!' 

or even: 

'Hey, why the hell did you put that down, it was my turn!' 

'NO WAY! That was MY QUEEN!' 

'The hell it was!' 

Nabiki grinned. This was just the perfect game to have the two most competitive people in Nerima (at least with each other) play. Life was good.... 

*** 

Over the next few weeks, Nabiki was amused to see how much the duo played the game. Ranma was in charge of keeping distractions away, while Nabiki took bets on the games. As Ranma got better at the thinking part, though, Akane got madder and madder, and the bets weren't quite as good. 

So, in order to make things more even, Nabiki gave a little advice to Akane on how to stay in the game and defeat Ranma's humongous ego. 'Learn the chestnut fist (gah! can't remember the Japanese name! sorry guys) , Akane.' 

'What?!' 

'Well, I was just thinking, if you want to up your speed, and get Ranma, you gotta learn the chestnut fist.' 

'Hmmm....' 

*** 

Ranma was suspicious. Akane was spending many hours away from home after school and avoiding playing E.R.S. with him. Not to mention, lately she seemed to come home with burns on her arms. Of course, Ranma being Ranma wouldn't put two and two together and just assumed that she didn't want to lose any more. 'Heh...' 

*** 

Ranma was sitting in front of the t.v. watching the latest Inu-Yasha episode on tv, when Akane stormed in with a smirk on her face, and fresh bandages on her arms. 'Ranma, I challenge you! Egyptian Rat Screw. One week. After school. Be there.' 

Ranma shrugged. 'Okay, I'll just beat you again, but whatever.' 

Nabiki smirked. Just enough time to heal from burns... such a smart little sister... And she couldn't wait for the betting to start. 

*** 

The clash of the Titans was the biggest betting event in Nerima since Ranma first arrived. Nabiki was pleased that she was behind it all. In fact, she already had dreams of Vegas... but that would have to wait. 

The game was one to remember. Ranma was at first really surprised by Akane's newfound speed (here's my plug for New Found Glory- the best ever band! and don't you dare disagree with me in a review...) and almost lost all of his cards in the first round. But he made a come back, and Akane almost lost. Now, as you can just imagine, there had to be a judge, and even then, there was a lot of arguing involved. 

To make a really, really long story short, the game lasted 5 hours! (Believe me, people, I've played only one hour long game before, and trust me, it sucks- big time. My legs were so sore from sitting down so long that my coach yelled at me for doing it. Anyway, just so you know, games can last that long if you have two people good enough...) By the time it was over, both contestants were getting slow and tired. It was a game that no one expected to go endurance, but boy did it ever! In the end, the judge called a draw for the sake of everyone's sanity. Most of the crowd that didn't bet had left hours ago, and a few of the betters decided to trust that they would get whatever money was coming to them, or they Nabiki would come looking for them for their money. 

As it was, not many people expected a draw so Nabiki made an awful lot of money. 

Ranma and Akane decided that it was a little too much stress to play against each other when being watched by so many people, and that they would just play occasionally for the fun of it. Nabiki was mad, but she was still high of her profits, so she wasn't too mad. 

And as she counted her yen later that night, she remembered why she started them on the game in the first place: just for the sake of amusement. "Ah, oh well," she thought, "I think winning this much money is enough amusement in itself..." 

Loud crashes were heard in the dojo. 'Those are MY cards, Ranma!' 

'Hey, you gotta get them first, nyah!' 

'Oh... when I catch you....!' 

Nabiki smiled... Okay, so there was an added bonus... 

A/n: Okay, guys, I'm sorry it's not really funny, but I'm still in drama mode, and I couldn't really think of anything funnier than Nabiki pitting Ranma and Akane against each other in the greatest card game of all time. As you can tell, I am a master of this game, if I do say so myself. Not the greatest out there, but I've lost one game in a year, and I only had 2 or 3 royalties to play with and it was a lousy slap game, so, in other words, I wasn't on the ball. Anyway, the last game I played was actually over an hour, and could have gone on longer if I let the guy do his set of rules where the winner gives the loser one more chance to slap back in. It was too early in the morning to do that, but the point is, it is possible. Next, one can a game of E.R.S. with loads of other people. For the sake of fun, it is best to play this game with only two people, trust me. You want the big groups for insane games like 4 or 5 way spit or spoons or something, not Egyptian Rat Screw. 

Okay, no flames, please, and I hope you enjoyed! Thanks! 


End file.
